A smile is something that’s so simple to do. When anyone asks how I am doing, I respond “I’m great!” with the biggest smile on my face.
My smile will keep people from asking further questions about the truth. My smile will make people to think my everyday life is okay. My smile reassures people my baby girl is healthy and not having struggles every day. My smile hides the truth; the truth that if I did actually express how I am feeling and how we are doing, that person would regret asking.
When people do ask and I’m up to explaining what’s going on in our world, a lot of people don’t listen. At first they will listen to the beginning of my story, for a short amount of time. Then half way through they will lose interest, either by nodding, looking away, or smiling at me with an empty look on their face and responding before I am done speaking. Why I use The Smile.
I have told our story so many times, and sadly it’s lost connection with my real feelings about it.
“When will her next surgery be”? What’s wrong with her?” “How many surgeries will she need?” “Will she still need surgery?” – everyone
I don’t think people want to know the thoughts that go through my head every second of every day. Do people want to know that every moment I’m wondering if my daughter is going to be okay to the next minute? Do people want to know that there are days I question myself and wonder if I should have done things differently? Do people want to know the things I worry about; like “will my daughter make it through the night tonight… why was her breathing so rapid today?… was she more purple today than yesterday?… did she over do it today? …why were her feet so blue? … is she getting enough oxygen today? … did I touch her with un-sanitized hands? … why is she so cold… why is she so cranky?… is she in pain? It never stops.
I am consumed by this heart defect. Most days it is all I think about every minute of every day since the day I found out about it.
Most days, I am a mess inside, but when a friend texts and asks “how’s it going” … “great!” I reply (smilie face).
The smile is a lot easier to do than dealing with reality.
Thanks for reading!
From my heart to yours,
– d ♥